- What was I thinking?
- No, really. WHO LET ME DO THIS? Whose idea was it to sign up for an adult ice skating class like I’m not one sneeze away from complete paralazes? Oh right — mine. Cool cool cool.
- I’ve spent the last twelve years being a mom, wife, Uber driver, chef, maid and unpaid therapist. Somewhere in the middle of cleaning up Goldfish crumbs and emotional messes, I kind of… disappeared. Like, poof. Vanished. The girl who once devoured books and tried weird new hobbies just for the chaos of it? She got benched.
- Back then, I thought I was spontaneous and fun. Turns out, a lot of that was my bipolar disorder doing most of the driving. Now that I’m medicated and self-aware (ugh), I spend more time wondering “Who even am I?” and “Do I actually like anything, or was I just manic that one time I tried scrapbooking after spending over $300 at Michael’s?”
- But lately I feel like something in me has stirred. Maybe it’s watching my daughter explore and find her passions. Perhaps it’s her bravery as she falls and gets back up again and again. I fear that if i don’t change, she might think that it’s ok to let fear take the lead in her life.
- Anyway.
- Cue the anxiety spiral that started before my first skating class. All day, my brain decided to host an unsolicited horror movie marathon titled “You Falling on Ice in 17 Humiliating Ways.” I tried to act chill (LOL), but my daughter—who originally encouraged me to skate with her—took one look at me and said, “Please don’t die.” Thank you, sweetie. Very comforting.
- In therapy, I told my therapist I signed up for skating lessons, and she blinked twice like, “You sure, girl?” I told her, “I’m just so tired of letting fear and anxiety run my life.” (Which sounded really powerful until I panicked in the middle of the sporting goods store looking for a helmet.)
- Here’s the thing though: my psychiatrist recently told me, “You have to make friends with your anxiety.” I laughed. HARD. Like, please — if I’m befriending anyone, it’s a barista who spells my name right and puts extra foam in my coffee. But as much as I wanted to roll my eyes, it stuck.
- Anxiety does have a purpose. It’s designed to protect us, helping us identify danger and react in emergencies. It’s supposed to keep us safe. The problem is mine acts like everything is a bear attack, including leaving the house in stretchy pants. But it shouldn’t hold us back from experiencing life’s joys. So why was I letting it stop me from discovering what I can really do?
- Of course, I know it’s easier said than done. Even with treatment and medication it’s still a challenge every single day. But at some point we have to say “Enough! it’s time to live instead of just exist.”
- So how do you make friends with your anxiety? For me, it looked like this:
- Signing up for the damn skating class.
- Wearing all the padding like a paranoid toddler.
- Telling my coach I was one intrusive thought away from bolting.
- Letting myself grip the wall like my dignity depended on it (because truthfully, it did.)
- And you know what? I didn’t fall. I mean, I almost did many, many times, but that wall and I had a good thing going. We were exclusive. My heart rate eventually chilled out, and the reality was so much less scary than the absolute disaster reel in my head.
- But the best part? My daughter saw me on the ice and her whole face lit up. She cheered for me like I was a backup dancer for Taylor Swift. I think that moment — clumsy, terrified, but still there — mattered more than me being brave. It showed her that yeah, it’s okay to be scared. Just don’t let fear drive the minivan.
- So no, I’m not suddenly a figure skater. But I am someone who did the scary thing. Who showed up, wobbled, survived, and maybe (kind of?) started making peace with her anxiety. Maybe she and I won’t be besties. But I’m willing to let her sit at the table — just not at the head.
- Whatever your reason may be, whatever nudges you forward, embrace it!
💬 Okay, your turn:
- What’s something you’ve been too scared to try, but lowkey want to?
- Is it taking a dance class? Trying therapy? Starting a new job? Wearing a crop top in public?
- Tell me in the comments what your “ice skating moment” might be — or what totally irrational thing your anxiety told you today. Let’s normalize being scared and doing the thing anyway.🛼💖
- Need a little ice skating wall of your own?
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